god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
