What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
