I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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