I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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