someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Need sex. Gaining weight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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