i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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