did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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