I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
