my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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