Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
