I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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