We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
