bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
