I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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