May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
