I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
