what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
