I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We need to get me chipped asap
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
