i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
