Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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