I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
