I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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