he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
