I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
