I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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