fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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