Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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