she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
