your parents love me but you hate me
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just had sex on a roof
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
