Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
