I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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