I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
