Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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