So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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