I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
