You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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