Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
