So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
