you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
