A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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