Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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