There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
