I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
