I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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