I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
