i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
