He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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