I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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