you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
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How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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