walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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