you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
