He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
