Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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